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week 1 ragebait moments
Oct. 5th, 2025 07:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
akash05obviously living at home is a test in itself. my parents and family members can say some strange things. last night, i was frustrated on some unexpected family plans thrown at me that'll cause me to miss the entirety of my week 6 -- and it was just messy and didn't help. expressing emotion can seem like a punishment. i wanted to know if i had to share rooms during this sudden week trip, and expectedly it was yes. i might have to submit coursework with terrible wifi. oh, but i know the truth of the situation. it's a blessing to have an education, i am so desperately privileged and my complaining can only go so far. i know what i'll do. good earphones, my tablet to make notes, notebooks, many pencils, my laptop, good headphones, more notebooks, chargers, water, a kettle probably, lots of tea bags, lots of coffee, and i will just keep studying, almost performatively in a stupid shared hotel room. it's better to gain a reputation and be left alone than dancing the line of trying to be too helpful and undermine my workload. my father asked me today what my plans were with guiding my younger brother, and i have to say - it's hard to dodge those conversation topics. how do i even take that? no, thanks. i need to focus on my own studies. making him into a genius isn't exactly my top priority. i can't do both. sorry, i have to focus on my studies. it's not that school requires that much work, but it's that i'm fighting myself to agree that my education is important and is something i need to prioritise so others not helping and adding demands that counter my ability to make that decision to put my education first -- it feels like a knife to the throat. it's also that i'm stupid and i need to change, i need to grow, i need to cover all my bases, i need to apply for internships, i need to improve my chances for my future, i need to also transform. these aren't moments of just being annoyed as much as it feels like an anchor strangling me to my past. living out in the city (and not with my parents) wouldn't have fixed it, though. the frustration and feelings being triggered are coming from a completely different lane to just 'where i live'. however, it is kinda funny to be so thoroughly pissed off in quick succession by ridiculously weird or rude moments. my other brother made a distasteful joke that made me feel horrible for a good half an hour and i told him to not do it again. what do you do in these situations. oh, i have to get my clothes off the washing line. hey, i am doing well for myself in a lot of other ways too. being out all day is kinda nice, it's better. not mentioning my daily activities to my family feels good too, meeting people and keeping busy and letting things slip by. it feels like having a life, unburdens me from getting the judgement or 20 questions for my plans, and mimics living out better. but these events exist to me, so perhaps i should scrapbook them better. i take lots of pictures but never post on social media. every so often i feel like if i did post anything, she'd see it, that that could be good. but it feels petty. i get waves of anger and pain thinking of the lengths and depths of our (ex-)friendship. i don't know what's objectively correct to say, half of my information will remain missing, and it's until proven otherwise. she just couldn't understand me, or is it that she didn't want to understand me? either way, whenever it was important for me to feel heard, she fumbled. why did she treat my emotions like it was something to postpone? she treated me like her journal, and my actual emotions and thoughts and feelings---my heart, and my mind--- was a malfunction if it got in the way of her little daily entry. or more spaced out, if she was busy. with no concern to what i was trying to say. her usual entries to me weren't something i enjoyed in the end. i didn't enjoy hearing about how little she took care of herself, how little she ate, how little she slept, how many meetings she had, how impressive or competitive the other students around her. how could it be interesting to me when whatever i said was automatically irrelevant to her? when she became awkward whenever it was my turn to talk, when she fumbled or didn't even try to comfort me when i needed her? in the end, all my affection felt like a humiliation ritual with how little honest attention i was receiving in return. and these thoughts strike me, and i want to word it, to feel that clarity that the buried pain i felt around her was real, there was a reason for it, but it tangles in my throat at the thought of truly expressing it to her again. given----- how many times i already have tried to tell her i wasn't enjoying this friendship anymore, and what she needed to fix. it wasn't all bad, but it drained the life out of me and she never had it in her to comfort me. or maybe she did, and that side of her was never extended to me. am i disappointed? i always thought maybe that's what she feared about me. i would like to say i'm not. i am just.....humilated. it's been relieving to be without her. a vaccum of space opened up for me to exist. my promise to myself is that i will not explain myself out of habit to her again. the next time we meet, i will let go of everything that happened. the person i am on that day will be the only thing left. that's what i'd like to think.
